I feel rushed. It’s a week before Thanksgiving and I feel like I need to go Christmas shopping. What the hell happened? Shouldn’t I be thinking about gravy and butternut squash? Shouldn’t I be buying plastic gloves for when I shove my hand up a dead bird’s ass?
You know, I blame this whole mess on the same people who brought you the scary clown epidemic. You don’t hear much from those fellas anymore, do ya? There’s a reason. They are Christmas shopping or Christmas shoplifting or whatever the unhinged do when the season strikes.
See the problem is – it’s Christmas already. It was Christmas in September so naturally Halloween got pushed back to late July. The gainfully unemployed with a penchant for mischief and vagrancy are now in possession of a rubber mask, long pleasant evenings, and an unattractive three month waiting period. And so I bring you the scary clown epidemic sponsored by Macys, Walmart, Bestbuy and all the other retailers who dragged out Christmas trees while you still were wearing shorts.
It’s the Christmas Creep, whether he’s in a rubber mask or in retail. And apparently, at least one of them is a vegetarian because Thanksgiving is all but forgotten in this madness.